30 November 2014

Britain's New Navy


Britain's politically correct RN...
 

 


The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

 

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its onboard industrial tribunal.

 

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

 

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

 

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

 

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

28 November 2014

This is what .................... Looks like

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 This is what 
SORRY 
LOOKS LIKE. 


This is what 
Tired 
Looks like. 


This is what 
bad spelling 
Looks like... 
This is what 
Intimacy 
Looks like. 


This is what 
Courage 
Looks like. 



This is what 
'good grief!!' 
Looks like. 



This is what your 
Tax dollars 
Look like. 




This is what 
'I can wait' 
Looks like. 


This is what 
Impatience looks like. 





This is what a 
Helping hand 
Looks like 



This is what 
Cold looks like. 




This is what a 
Bad mood 
Looks like. 



It doesn't matter how many people you send this to. 
Just remember if it made you smile . . . your friends will 
smile too! 

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, 
so . . .....

'Love the people who treat you right. 
Ignore those who don't.'
 
WISHING YOU & YOUR LOVED ONES A BLESSED DAY
 
 
  
 

26 November 2014

Parent(s) of the year award

Once again: it's time to vote for 'Parent of the Year'




























AND TO THINK YOU NEED A LICENSE TO FISH !

25 November 2014

The Best Halloween Costume


This couple won the best Halloween 
Costume Contest for all of Florida

FW: The Best Halloween Costume


21 November 2014

Periodic Videos

I love science - these videos on each of the elements is just great stuff

Naturally the reactive elements like Phosphorus, Liquid Fluorine, exploding potassium and even Cesium are fun to watch but they do a grat job of making all the elements come to life and interesting. Gallium and the beating heart
Even boring old carbon is brought to life in all the different forms and functions

After Breaking Bad Chemist Heisenberg - Martyn Poliakoff would be one of my favorite chemistry teachers along with his team

18 November 2014

The New Orleans Lawyer-brilliant!


New Orleans Lawyer... 
 
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.  With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
 
You have to love this lawyer...
 
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.  The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
 
(Actual reply from FHA): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.  Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
 
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (Actual response): "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received.  I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.  I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain .  The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition.  Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana .  God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA.  I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.  Now, may we have our loan?"
 
The loan was immediately approved.

Submarine racing